I am a planner. Down to my very core. My checklists have checklists and I can pretty much guarantee you that if you encounter me at any point of the day and I’m not saying a word, chances are, I will be overthinking something. I overthink everything. Life, family, job, motherhood, this very blog entry…I’ve overthought it hundreds of times in my head alone.
This is a disease I’m afraid I have suffered through my entire teen – young adult – and early adult life. I plan for the plan to have a plan. Even my life verse from high school was centered around planning.
Proverbs 16:3 “Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed… In his heart a man plans his ways, but the Lord determines his steps”. Simple, right? I plan out my life, toss it back at God through some prayers, and expect him to bless it, with some additional adventures along the way. Right? I mean, isn’t that how this whole God -faith – life trifecta of awesomeness is supposed to work?
Confession… {and If this is the first time, you’ve encountered This Glorious Mess, then welcome…we’re rooted in authenticity, so strap on your boots and take a ride into the heart with me} I think that somewhere along the path, somehow I have convinced myself that if I plan things just right, even down to my relationship with God, I can perfectly orchestrate this thing called life, to where it suits me and my plans alone…
But then I forget…I’m not the only one in this relationship. I’m walking through life not just with a family of my own, as well as other brothers and sisters, but also with a Heavenly Father, who -If I’m being honest- I haven’t allowed to attend most of my planning sessions in life. I simply think it, journal it, plan it, do it…missing entirely the key element of praying about it. Opening up…Inviting Him into a conversation He’s already fully aware of…giving God room to speak in the quiet before the extrovert in me has already moved onto the next idea.
And I often wonder sometimes, if there’s paths in life He hasn’t shown me, because, as a planner, I struggle with basing my life and my choices only on what I can see. I have faith as far as my vision will carry me, but once my vision becomes hazy, {and I can’t see the success of that path on my trusty checklist} I turn tail and run to the safety of knowing what i can and can’t accomplish in my own space.
I design a life full of dreams only I can fulfill. I base the successes and failures of my life on my own strength, instead of letting my faith grow IN SPITE of WHAT I CAN SEE. and I fail to realize, there’s this amazing, supernatural love right in front of me – waiting to take all I have to give and make it so much more.
I heard this song as a part of our worship experience this weekend and let me tell you… It BROKE ME. Like, tears welling up, choking them back, journaling like a mad woman BROKE ME.
I take everything on. I take my dreams, my goals, my future and I turn it into a mess. I struggle. I drop the ball… because I focus on what I can do. I fail to rely on that supernatural love to create something new in me. I struggle to see past the possible into the impossible and realize there is an entirely new layer of possibilities layered in Faith, waiting for me to humble myself, step out beyond my brokenness and pray the “I don’t care” prayer. The {incredibly scary, highly vulnerable, SUPER MESSY} prayer of letting God have our checklist back.
My husband, in a moment of wisdom, once told me “Babe, you struggle so much to do so much right that you end up doing wrong.” I think that is so applicable here to the Glorious Mess we call our spiritual life. We try to be everyone’s everything and fail to see the life that God has placed directly beyond the horizon. 
In the middle of my mess, He is writing my message. He sees my whole story, my whole plan running parallel and contours my heart to His message. When I look around and mess is all I see, He is creating Beauty. And in that moment, I have to release my fears, step out in faith, allow the vulnerability, the humility, and give God room to roll up his sleeves and work in the unplanned space.
Is it scary?… You bet.
Super Messy…absolutely.
Worth it? Without a doubt.
When I look back on the story of my life, the chapters of wins, losses, life and lessons – the greatest God moments of my life have happened when I tossed the list out the window and let the Father do his thing.My heart has been captivated by a campfire conversation. I have met God on an early morning mountaintop and in the late night laughter. I have seen his Glory in the lives of my children and have experienced His breakthrough in the darkest of nights. I need to lead the journey, to walk alongside sisters and brothers in faith and find the courage, root myself in the bravery needed to proclaim the message that the Mess is part of His plan. If it were not for the mess, the lesson and the inevitable surrender, would we even recognize how much we need Him – how lackluster and empty our life story is without His great adventure woven into our storyline.
Be present in this moment, with all it’s vulnerabilities and insecurities. Relinquish ownership of the checklist of your life in favor of stepping out in faith. Let your faith rise, in spite of what you can see.
And as always, embrace the glorious mess that you are, because being crafted in you is the light of His Beauty.
The Glorious Mess 